July 2023, I met Kwesi in a Maryland park during an exploratory production shoot with friends. They were sitting and sketching near this river while we shot film and photographs. I kept seeing them out of the corner of my eye and felt compelled to talk to them, asking if I could capture their portrait. I shot on 120 film, which only had 8 exposures on the roll. Out of the 8, five of them was of Kwesi.
Later that year, I received a message from Kwesi regarding their experience of that day. This is what they shared:
When I was a teen, I picked up my first Canon 35mm SLR because I loved the mystery of film. I appreciated the novelty of not knowing whether or not I was under or over exposing an image. Fatigued by digital pixels, I loved the warmth of film grain. Photography was my way of feeling connected to the world around me. For most of my adolescence, I lived with deep social anxiety that prevented me from having long-term friendships. The camera gave me space to witness the world and mirror back what I saw. The camera gave me a role to play. A role grounded in the sacredness of recall, memory and mirroring.
My camera allows me to speak without uttering a word:
I reflect your light back with my own to feel the choreography of our embodied memories. Your strange sway in tandem with my discordant steps makes me feel belonging. The music of our giggles swell beneath the weight of our shared gaze. I feel free to be. To witness you is not enough. I want to understand you because I see parts of myself in you. Mirroring you makes me feel close to you. And yet, a thousand reflected images can never amount to how good it feels to live alongside you.
Mirroring is not always welcomed by others. Mirroring can cause others to feel unsettled by how good I can echo back their image, their gait, the tonal qualities of their voice. A social desire for connection is distorted into a threat to their autonomy and identity. Neurodivergence as a politic and an every-day state of being reminds me that we are all doing our best to feel connected and a sense of belonging. To be witnessed. To be understood. To be.
How do you mirror the world around you? What parts of you are reflected back in the gaze of others?
Below is a collage I created when thinking about the after-life. In the center are black-and-white images that represent the physical planeāthe earthly plane. This is what we see on the everyday. Around it are technicolors and vibrant textures of the spiritual plane.
Reminds me a lot of how I was the photographer for my high school and college years. Please make sure to document yourself as well! If we donāt who will!
shedding tears at thisš„¹