Fuck A Formula
On Being in Process, Un-Belonging, and Failure
The following words and photos are my own, unless otherwise stated.
Over the weekend while in St. Louis, I attended a poetry workshop with Amy Lam where participants had to write a poem using a single word. Below is the poem that needed to come out of me.
the trauma of your past introduces my present
untethered, unmoored, unanchored
we create spaces and reshape worlds to love with a grounded sense
of identity, of place, of belonging
reclaiming the abundance they try (and tried) to rob from us
the agony of un-belonging clutches our hearts tightly
digging in unbearably
as we dare to be the failures our ancestors dreamed up
the mission, the goal, and the promise is to always to leave this world
a little freer, a bit more queer than we found it
we hope to render tomorrow much more legible than our past
to hope is to reckon with—whilst kicking, screaming, moaning, undulating—and against the opacity of this moment
is there room for us?
those who dare to speak utterances of softness in the same breath as liberation when silenced?
we demand, by existing, the right
to fill spaces
to bring an overflow
to provide queer respite
with/in and amongst and in continuation of
our strange presence and Black queer, crip lineages
to be loved is to be known
not endured
not tolerated
the complex traumas of my present
recalls the oceanic and abundant depths of your past
in this way, our existences are echoes of each other
forever in tandem
tethered
responding, listening
forever in a sacred chamber of remembrance
What does it mean to be well? Here, I attempt to shape wellness in my own image.
To Be Well…
is to look into the eye of madness and recognize its truth
is to make peace with that which means to destroy you and fight the fuck back
is to keep living, defiantly, in pursuit of some semblance of purpose
is to make space to breathe, sit still
is to conjure, to remember, to awaken
what do you need to be well?
This year, I found a world of abundance on the other side of failure, of getting shit wrong, of allowing myself to be messily human and learning from it. I am i
n the process of leisurely reading “The Queer Art of Failure” by Jack Halberstam.
“The Queer Art of Failure is about finding alternatives—to conventional understandings of success in a heteronormative, capitalist society; to academic disciplines that confirm what is already known according to approved methods of knowing; and to cultural criticism that claims to break new ground but cleaves to conventional archives.” (Source: Duke U Press)
It has helped me to shift my ideas of success and my own life’s trajectory. Moving beyond my capacity, constantly and subconsciously being in competition with others, feeling unhappy when not “excelling” isn’t my idea of success. Instead, success is an ever-changing the act/process/mindset that resists logic and logical understanding of time and progress. Fuck logic. Failure affords me the humanity I need to survive.
Below is a quote from the book’s Introduction.
”What kinds of reward can failure offer us? Perhaps most obviously, failure allows us to escape the punishing norms that discipline behavior and manage human development with the goal of delivering us from unruly childhoods to orderly and predictable adulthoods. Failure preserves some of the wondrous anarchy of childhood and disturbs the supposedly clean boundaries between adults and children, winners and losers. And while failure certainly comes accompanied by a host of negative affects, such as disappointment, disillusionment, and despair, it also provides the opportunity to use these negative affects to poke holes in the toxic positivity of contemporary life.”
—
Nothing in this world is original yet citing your sources is a critical act of resistance. Below is a quote by my friend bitter kalli that I constantly return to that reminds me of the importance of citations and remembering what and who your work is in conversation with. Additionally, I think a lot about how critical our relationships are in shaping our political awareness.
”Another thing about celebrity culture is that its focused is, always, on the individual. The individual genius, the lone star leading us into the light. But the individual is an illusion. Behind every “public figure” is an endless ecosystem of people who shaped their thought, their commitments, and their principles, who struggled and sometimes fought with them, and in so doing, shaped everything they offered to the world. Magloire’s article takes Audre Lorde out of the heady glare of the spotlight, off the illusory and falsely worshipped pedestal, and places her back into a community of peers. By doing so, Magloire reminds us of a deeper way to love—to love as a citational practice. There is no 1989 Oberlin commencement speech, during which Lorde acknowledged the urgency of the Palestinian struggle, without the years of Jordan’s efforts to radicalize her, to challenge her towards a more capacious and global practice of Black feminism. Like the individual, the sole author is a collective illusion we’ve settled for out of convenience and economic necessity. Sometimes I think about the pages and pages of acknowledgments I would need to properly cite everyone who has shaped each piece of writing I create. For every text message, every brief newsletter, every essay: an infinity of ancestors, friends, lovers, co-conspirators, teachers. Not sources, but co-authors. May we all try and make moments for such necessary and impossible acts of citation.” — “Here Is My Love” by Bitter Kalli / groundwater.substack
-
This morning I was blessed by CHROMAKOPIA, the latest album by music virtuoso/protege Tyler, the Creator. On IG, I watched this six-minute video of him working through his creative process while making the album. It brought me chills to hear his off-key singing. I felt immense joy to see him so deep in his process. It is both courageous and vulnerable to share yourself in-process, trying and failing and working through it all, with the world. I admire the fuck out of him as an artist and his commitment to his passion for music. Watch!
-
In the same 20 minutes, I also watched a snippet from Doechii’s “DENIAL IS A RIVER” lyric breakdown video. She talks about her expereince of realizing her power as she re-aligned to her purpose as a rapper and artist. I felt it so so deeply. Watch it and weep with me.
Brief life update: I am deeply and undeniably in love with myself. Feels good to be here.